Grateful

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I awoke this morning feeling very grateful. I almost said “blessed,” but that would imply that because I’m able to be home, I was given a blessing that other moms wished they had been given.  No, I have done nothing to deserve being able to be at home with my children.  I know that it is because of nothing I have done that I am here.  I do not deserve this any more than anyone else.

And with that knowledge, I realize that my being home is not about me.  It’s not about my happiness, it’s not even about God having a “marvelous plan for my life.”  No, it’s about God’s glory.  I don’t know how all that will play out in eternity, but I sure look forward to the day when the big picture comes into view.

Perhaps it’s because through staying home, I’ve realized in a way I never have before, what a desperate sinner I am in need of Christ.  The ugliest parts of myself have been exposed in these four months.  Perhaps God is using this time to humble me and sanctify me in greater measure than would have been possible otherwise.

Perhaps my staying home will provide an avenue of vocational ministry that I have desired for more than a decade.  Perhaps I will have time in the coming years to write the Bible studies, to teach more regularly.  Perhaps my experience in both the working world and the staying home world will help me understand the joys and challenges of both, enabling me to relate to more women.

Perhaps my staying home is to help me more intentionally point my children to Christ, to more strategically offer Bible study, to more consistently share the Gospel of grace.  As they see my flaws, as they see my shame, as they see my repentance, as they exercise forgiveness, may their hearts be fertile ground for their own faith to take off.

Perhaps there is a greater purpose that I can’t even imagine yet.  And that’s exciting.

It’s not about me.  It’s not about my happiness, it’s not about my life fulfillment.  It’s not even about trying to live up to what some people say the Bible teaches moms to be.  I watched my mom work most of my life to the glory of God as a public school teacher.  Because of the career she had she was able to influence countless children and adults. She was able to teach me the value of faithfulness, to teach me that ministry starts in the home but it certainly doesn’t end there.

I’m realizing the point isn’t what I do.  It isn’t whether I stay home or whether I work.  It’s whether I follow Jesus.  It’s whether I’m willing to make sacrifices He calls me to make for his glory, for His kingdom.  In my life, this means staying home.

The fact that I get to enjoy my daughter by my side, hug her whenever I please, listen to her talk all day long (literally), is just icing on the cake.  It points me to a God who lavishes gifts to me in the form of the love of my children because he loves to.  Because in the midst His greater plan and my role in it, he loves to show me what a loving God He is.

I am grateful.

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